Children and Tragedy

I have a had several conversations about the tragedy at Episcopal School of Jacksonville and how we should handle this as parents, especially those of us that are parents of young children. I have a few thoughts that are mine, but I also urge you to speak to any of the priests here at St. Mark's if you need more guidance.


First, I think we have to talk about tragedies like this as a family. I think we sometimes assume younger children are oblivious to the world around them, but children with older siblings will hear things, as will any child who is exposed, as most are, to any news broadcast. The extent of the conversation will depend on the age of your children, but I tend to think answering questions honestly with simple facts is better than trying to pretend nothing happened. Encourage your children to ask questions. When I was a young child, a close friend of my parents with a daughter my age was held hostage and then killed by someone he had fired. I remember being incredibly curious about things like where he was shot, not because of some morbid curiosity, but because at that age I didn't understand death or what caused it. By allowing me to ask questions and talk about what happened my parents helped me process the event at my own speed in my own way.

We need to pray at all times, but especially at times like these. Our children need to see us calling upon the Holy Spirit to be with us and all those involved. It is alright to express our frustrations in prayer, look at many of the Psalms. Our Lord can handle it. It is important to take the time to pray together and to explain that God doesn't cause bad things to happen, but in all the brokenness of this world, in the violence, natural disasters, disease, that God is with us and mourns with us. Tragedy offers us a way to share our faith with the world.

Recognize that there is both evil and forgiveness in this world. Part of the baptismal covenant we make on behalf of our children is that we renounce the spiritual forces of wickedness, the evil powers of this world that corrupt and destroy the creatures of God, and the sinful desires which draw us from the love of God. Our children know that there is good and there is bad. Remind them that God calls us to be a light in this world and to renounce what is bad, and yet whenever we fall into sin he will be waiting with open arms for us to repent and ask forgiveness. As Christians we are called upon to pray for those who have been harmed by evil, and for those who have caused the harm. We are called to love our enemies and pray for those who persecute us. AS the old hymn says, "they will know we are Christians by our love".

I am going to close with one of the prayers we used last night at our prayer service at St. Mark's. The whole service may be found on our website and I encourage you to check it out.

Gracious Lord, the hardest part about being your children is that we don’t get to see the big picture.  You see everything.  You know how it all turns out in the end.  You see the completed puzzle while we sit here with one small piece in our hands and cry.  Give us the faith to believe that you have it all under control.  Give us the strength to get up and move in the morning.  Give us the love to support each other.  We want to run into your arms and have you hold us like children.  Tell us it’s going to be okay.  Hold us, God.  It’s lonely down here right now. Amen.

Time Out

Last week was Ash Wednesday and the beginning of Lent. Every year I am asked how I explain Lent to younger children. Traditionally Lent was a penitential time for Christians and included prayer, fasting and repentance. Many of the children in chapel can tell me happily what they are "giving up" for Lent, but few can tell me why. So today, in order to try and explain what these 40 days are for, I put a small chair in my box.

As a parent I struggle with discipline as much as anyone. I first try asking offending child to change his our her ways. I then move on to counting, as in, "I'm going to count to three, and then you are going to stop doing whatever you are doing". The big gun is always the time out chair. It typically is reserved when someone can't control his or her actions, and needs a time to calm down and think about the situation. And for my children, being given the opportunity to pause, and breathe, and think about what they have done eventually leads to apology and reconcilliation, as well as at least a brief change in behavior. Today I described Lent to the children, as an opportunity to sit in time out.

We all make bad choices. We all sin. It is simply part of being human. We sin by things we do, and we sin by things we don't do. And our lives are full of meetings, and lunches, and work, and carpool and a million errands that pull us in as many directions. What a gift to be able to have a season where we strip down to the essentials, give up what we don't really need, and take some time out to think about our behavior, apologize, and seek reconcilliation with our loving Father. Lent is a time to breathe, and pray, and prepare our hearts for God.

During the next few weeks, try scheduling a time with no activities. Spend time in Bible reading or prayer with your children. Think about how much God has given you, and how you can spread his love to others. At the beginning of each day and before you go to sleep remind yourself to embrace this time out.

10,000 Hours

Today was Father's Chapel at St. Mark's, so all the dads were invited to join us for chapel. I really thought about what my lesson would be today. What does the Bible say about being a father? And finally, I put a calendar in my box. For this talk I could have put a stopwatch, or an alarm clock, but I thought a puppy dog calendar would most illustrate my point.

I love to read, on a wide variety of subjects, and when I thought and prayed about what to say today I started thinking about the book Outliers by Malcolm Gladwell. Outliers is about what makes some people so successful in sports or business or other aspects of life, and Gladwell's argument is that it takes 10,000 hours of practice to really master a subject. That's 10,000 hours where you are working to get better at something, whether it's golf or piano, mathematics or law. When you think about all the demands on our day that is an incredible amount of time. What Gladwell does well is tell story after story of the lives of those who are successful and show how they spent those hours. Sometimes those hours came by chance, in that certain individuals were in the right place at the right time to have an opportunity for that much practice. Others worked to make the time. But each success story started with 10,000 hours of practice.

At this point I am sure you are thoroughly confused as to where I am going. How does this have anything to do with fatherhood, or the Bible? As a parent, we have the opportunity for lots of practice at loving our children. There are 8765 hours in a year. Even taking out say, 8 hours a day for sleep, (wishful thinking), that's still 16 hours a day to love our children so in 625 days or just 1.7 years we have reached the 10,000 hour mark. And I'm not even including the 960 hours of pregnancy that came before that. So just think... in just two puppy dog calendars, before the second year or your child's life you were an expert in loving him or her.

For our Father, 10,000 hours is but the blink of an eye. God loved us before we were born and will love us after we are gone and the Bible is full of compelling stories that illustrate just how great God's love for us truly is. We are called to model our lives after God's only son. Which is an awesome task. We are called to become experts in love.

Healing Touch

Over the weekend we had a wonderful St. Mark's Women's Retreat. Our speaker was the Reverend Becca Stevens from Nashville, TN. Becca has done many things, including founding a program called Magdalene, which provides women trapped in lives of drug abuse and prostitution a way to escape and regain their lives. The women have created Thistle Farms, a cottage industry which creates bath and body works and provides jobs for Magdalene graduates. One of the many products I bought was a tub of lavender body butter. It is thick and as it melts into your skin it makes the whole room smell like lavender. As I showed it to the children and rubbed some into my hands I spoke about the power of Christ's healing touch.

When Christ called his disciples and began his public ministry, healing was a central part of his work. In Mark 1: 40-42 Jesus touches and cures a man of leprosy, in Mark 7:32-35 he lays hands on and cures a man who is deaf and mute, and in Mark 8: 22-25 he restores sight to one who was blind. Jesus travels the countryside healing those who are sick, and preaching God's kingdom. He takes the hand of a girl who has died, calling to her to get up, and she does. (Mark 5:41-42). While Jesus can heal without the gift of touch, as he healed the woman who simply touched his cloak, Mark 5:25-29, it is clear he was generous with his physicality, allowing a broken and sick world to feel the embrace of the God they had seen only previously as a plume of smoke or a pillar of fire.

And so in chapel today we reached out and touched our friends on our left and on our right. We then touched our friends who sat in front of us and behind us. Teresa of Avila told us, " Christ has no body now but yours, No hands, no feet on earth but yours". Our world is still broken. Many of our friends need healing. They need a hand, a hug, a reminder that their faith can make them well.

Caught

Today I told the children I brought something that was full of holes. It wasn't a barbie, or a fire truck, instead I brought a casting net. I didn't grow up in Florida and I think that the children who grow up along the coast have such an advantage when visualizing the many scenes and parables that involve fishing. When I was a child I had never seen anyone throw a casting net. I'm not sure what type of fishing I imaging the future disciples were doing, but I am sure as a Tennessee girl it involved bait, a hook and a pole.

The gospel of Luke shares a great fishing story. Jesus is already being followed by crowds, so he asks Simon (Peter) to row him a little way off shore so that he could teach the crowd. After he finishes he asks Simon to row to the deep water and lower his net for a catch. Simon objects, saying that he and his partners, James and John have fished all night and caught nothing. But he agrees, and lowers the nets, which become so full of fish they are close to breaking.

Although I loved this story as a child, I appreciate it so much more, and in so many different ways now. Fishing with a pole is often a solitary experience. A lone fisherman or woman, heading out to his or her favorite spot, reeling the fish in one by one. If an unwanted fish is caught it can be carefully removed and released. In contrast, Simon Peter and James and John were partners. They typically rowed out with two boats, casting the nets between them and hauling up everything they managed to swim into the net. Everything in the net, the good fish, the bad fish, all are brought back on board. They will be sorted later, but at first everything is kept.

At different times I'm in different places in this story. Sometimes I'm Peter, complaining that I've worked hard and yet going out again one more time. Sometimes I'm the friends, called to help with the abundance that can only be found through Christ. Most often I'm the fish, caught with so many others in a net that is cast wide.

Second Chances

This week we continued our talk about calling. God's call is often unexpected in our life. It may involve paths we didn't even realize were there. And as a close friend once told me, "if the call of God is easy, if it is to something you have always wanted, or involves money or status, you might want to listen harder". So to talk about this week's story of calling I brought a life jacket.

The Book of Jonah is only 4 chapters. You can hardly call it a book. It is more like a parable, or fable, because like those such large truths live within such a small story. Jonah was a man who was called by God to go to Nineveh and preach that the city would be destroyed if they did not repent their evil ways. And instead of accepting his call as prophet, Jonah runs away. He flees. He tries to escape God, first on a ship, and then by jumping into the ocean in a sacrifice we must assume he thinks will end his life. Jonah chooses death over God. Luckily for Jonah, God chose him. God gave him a second chance. God threw him a life jacket. A smelly, stinky life jacket in the form of a belly of a great fish, but it saved him nonetheless. Jonah was stubborn. He lived in that belly for three days and nights, before finally he surrenders and turns to God. And the fish spits him out on the land.

So the word of God comes to Jonah a second time, calling him to go to Nineveh. And this time he answers the call. He preaches of the city's destruction. He calls upon them to repent. And then...surprise, surprise...they do. From the king down the people surrender to God's will and change their ways, and ask for forgiveness. God sees their response and gives them a second chance. And at this Jonah is incensed. He throws a temper tantrum, sulking outside the city walls. He is embarrassed that what he preached did not come true. He is angry that God threw them a life jacket. He doesn't like being their whale.

The four short chapters of Jonah make us think about calling and mercy, about surrender and pride, and they don't end with an answer, but with a question. What is the nature of God?

Communication

Today I brought a maraca in my box. It was given to me this summer, when I was fortunate enough to travel to Cuba as part of a mission team from St. Mark's Church. While there we worked with our sister parish of St. Mary's in Itabo, Cuba to put together a Vacation Bible School for their children and youth. Each morning we enjoyed several hours of songs, Bible study, crafts and snacks with preschool and elementary age children, and after a break for lunch we did the same thing with teenagers in the afternoon. Although we had a wonderful translator with us, SMEDS graduate Cathy Hardin, most of us in the mission team spoke little to no Spanish. And most of the residents of Itabo spoke no English. Everything we did had to be either translated by Cathy, or worked out by communicating with a combination of limited Spanish and hand motions to indicate what we needed, or were going to be doing, or eating. It was challenging, but an incredibly rewarding experience.

Over the week, as we spent more and more time with the children, youth and adults at St. Mary's, an amazing thing started happen. Even with the language barrier, we began to understand each other. We shared information about our families. We learned what the volunteers there did for a living. We ate together and played together and prayer together and by the end of the week we had formed a wonderful community.

Our story today was about the Tower of Babel. Often the focus in that story is on the division of humanity into different cultural and ethnic groups. God splintered our language and made communication difficult so that we would separate and fill the earth. What I reminded the children, was that when we allow God to work through us, when we share God's love and grace with others, no communication barriers can keep us apart.

We can experience difficulty understanding each other without traveling to a  foreign country. Are there people in your life with whom you have a hard time communicating? Think about those relationships as your "mission". Bring Christ in as well. See what happens.